Jazz Flute Burgers From Mars

With the mortgage crisis refusing to go away, you might be one of the 1 million jobless Americans lucky enough to find yourself unfettered by modern living standards and entering into the glorious freedom of life on the street.

Here are 5 essentials to make it in the big city without paying rent:

1. Cart

Light, maneuverable, convenient - it's amazing how much stuff you can pile into these things. But if a plain old ShopRite cart isn't hip enough for you, you can try to get an intelligent alternative like this Shelter in a Cart

the iPod-reminiscent SleepCart

or any of the wicked stainless steel contraptions uber-designed by Winfried Baumann

2. Warm Clothes

You can wait for Virgin's Strippers to help you, but without a roof over your head, you'll soon find it's hard to be under-exposed as far as the elements are concerned. Time to revert to the layered look that was so popular in the late 90s:

3. Self Defense

Sadly enough, "A bit o' the ol' Ultra-Violence" is still a popular pastime for bored young hooligans. Protect yourself with anything from a switchblade to a broken beer bottle or even the ever-effective "Poo on a Stick"

4. Medical Care

Sure, you can rely on the antiseptic virtues of Medical Maggots, but finding the closest free clinic is probably a safer bet. The quality of treatment obviously differs from place to place, but if you're a starving actor bumming out in California, for example, even your pet can get free care!

5. Wireless Internet

Some of you might be raising an eyebrow at the inclusion of this "necessity" - especially when "food" didn't make the cut - but when fending off the insanity so common to street-dwellers, you'll find that feeding your mind is just as important. As strange as it sounds, there are many initiatives dealing with providing free internet to the homeless, so you don't necessarily have to lounge around Starbucks all the time (for a change).

And finally, remember: you don't have to have a home to have your dignity!